The Carnival

The sun stared at her but she did not stare back, not for lack of trying, she loved the sun but it was just too bright. The light did hurt her eyes, so she bowed her head and looked down at the uneasy ground deciding to hate it forever. The heads of people were coming and going under her feet, of every color and kind, the blond, the red and the brown, the short and tall, the small and the ones she was sure were full of themselves. She did not focus much on the faces, nothing interested her anymore. She knew them without even having to look at them, the man laughing with his family with eyes full of worry if he’ll be able to pay for the next ride and dinner as well, the teenage girl with blushing cheeks and the boy who’s trying to impress her with a stuffed animal and a fake flower and the children who were constantly staring at the ripples of her rainbow colored dress. They were the worst, because they would stare and only see the colors and the white painted face but not her, never her. Sometimes she hears little girls shouting out to their daddies that they want to paint their face white like the lady up on the wooden wheel and dress in all the colors of the world like her. In the carnival, she thought, everyone wants to dress up in as much color as possible, trying to experience life in everything however small, so they go on expensive rides that will make them scream and take pictures with bizarre faces and figures they know are nothing but fakes, only humans dressed up in custom, but they don’t like to think about that in the moment they take the picture, no one wants to take a picture with the community college drop-out in a clown suit. Of course not, that person only exists to himself, for in the carnival your custom is who you are.

And she was in a sea of the colorful ripples at the tail of her dress, with stripped stockings slender all the way up to her thighs and ribbons of red and gold hanging from her waist, her breast and her hair. Her place was higher than those who walked by, yet no one looked at her like she is some sort of queen or the owner of anything, not even the wooden wheel she was tied to at four limbs. For all they knew she was a slave for that piece of wood, with nowhere to shield her from the cloud’s breeze or from the sunlight, with nothing to do but to wait for the next gentleman to stop by and play her game. That was her corner, her role in the endless horizon of laughter, chattering and mindless screams, and she did not run it nor did she want to be a part of it, but tied at four limbs by his chains, there was nothing she can do but avoid the sun’s glare.

The owner of her corner was the devil in the suit of a man, who believed she had no will to fight anymore. He should know, he was the one who exhausted her to this state, not without her help of course, and he made her into the pretty obedient doll she is now. When he first saw her, he could see it in his mind, her voluptuous body up on that wheel spinning her wits away, waiting for the gents’ knives to fly towards her. He longed for the anticipation in her eyes to where the knife will hit her every time a man raises his arm to aim. As he collects the gold and stands shouting for more. He would shout for more to see her suffer, he thought, he would do what it takes to get her up on his wheel.

She was just another girl passing by, and she was alone, dressed in jeans and a plain white T-shirt, anyone but this man could have easily missed her. But those girls, invisible to their surroundings, were his cup of tea. They lived in their private worlds when no one else accepted them in theirs and he enjoyed tearing through the meaningless smiles and polite nods to the creatures inside, beyond the young sparkle of their eyes. And he had many ways, being in the suit of a man. Because all those invisible girls had one thing in common, they were dreamers. And dreamers, as greedy as they are, would have all life at their command if they could. And what is more appealing than the promises, the touches and assurance of acceptance from a great man. He did all what he can to bring out the beast inside them and show it to them, flash it in front of their weary faces and shatter all what they knew about themselves, all what they were made to believe they are, just comes tumbling down.

Then, it’s time for a last choice, either they live with their new versions of themselves and what knowledge they have learned about the hideousness of their souls, or they accept his offer of redemption from the guilt and sin with just a simple game they have to play with him. They would let him paint their faces in white and their lips in bright red, then he will dress them in such a colorful dress that replaces how boring their white t-shirts are. And then they should just climb upon a wooden wheel voluntarily as he ties their limbs with chains that are instantly tight enough that they hurt. And then he would spin the wheel and they would get in a drunken state from that spinning, so when the men would come to aim their knives trying to hit their eyes, hearts and their beautifully sprung legs, they would not feel a thing at all. It will only feel lighter in their bodies and their souls with every drop of blood that oozes out, as each one takes away little parts of their sins.

Then he would scream at the top of his lungs ‘’Behold, gentlemen’’ to the people coming and going to seek life in the colors of the carnival. ‘’The best way to unleash your inner hunter, to aim at a pretty woman’s heart. Five points if you aim it at the glide of her waist, ten if you pierce her high riding breasts and fifty points if you take out one of her emerald green eyes.’’

And men would come in in groups, laughing and giving their gold to the devil willingly. Competing to see who is the best hunter, to see who is manly enough not to care for a woman’s flowing blood, her wounds, and her pain. They’d pick a knife from the devil’s box and he’d give the wheel a good hard spin.

And she, well, she tries to take it in and into her head, try to lose her thoughts into a time where she knew who she was so she’d speed up the drunken effects of spinning. But she still remembers the first knife that accelerated towards her, and she remembers all the effects of spinning being erased by this moment of anticipation to where it will hit her, she tried to shield her eyes and say a secret prayer to a deity she no longer connected with and then when she felt more alive than ever, she knew that the devil had lied. And when the first knife hit her arms, she knew for sure. As the pain she felt, however intense it is, did not make her feel any lighter, it made her feel more powerless than ever. And her blood that flowed all over the wheel did not take anything from her sin, in fact, she realized she had voluntarily given her soul to the devil and bowed and that in itself, she knew, was a sin.

So she felt more guilt and repented, but her limbs were still tied leaving her feeling more helpless and so it went on. A vicious spiral that deepened with every knife that came from a sadist’s hand seduced by the same devil that seduced her. She was stuck in his game just as much as every other man that aimed at her and walked away laughing at the sight of her blood-stained dress with a sense of accomplishment in his eyes that he himself did not understand. But the devil did and he enjoyed it. He enjoyed all the colors covering the darkness and all the laughter mixed with evident pain they all deny, it was his playground and he was their king because they let him.

That day the sun stared at her and she couldn’t stare back was no different than the others. The experiences she had were not new, and she did not anticipate anything. She had reached the final stages of her enslavement and no more was she willing to even raise her eyes to fight his smile when he counts the gold he collects off her pain. She was ready to die in her chains that she was even eager for the one man that will come and aim correctly, a man colder than the devil himself that will come and aim for her heart pitilessly, forever ending the devil’s game.

What she did not know is that, in that very same hour that she decided to hate the sun for shining, the devil was taking a man’s gold. Little did the devil know that the man was a hunter and he, with a snide smile, was looking for a heart to snipe.  The man took the most rusty of all the knives in the devil’s box and polished it in a handkerchief that he held in his pocket. All the rust disappeared and the knife shone with silver and glistening white in the sunlight. He looked at the girl’s dress weaving around her in a most chaotic manner and he looked at her eyes darkened and dim against her pale painted face, and her legs and arms tied to the wheel almost tearing her into two. And he with all dexterity raised the knife and aimed at her heart. He shall be the last man to ever hunt her young heart and he, unlike all the others, saw what was beyond her custom. The blood streamed from her chest and it started dripping on the floor. And the devil smiled at the sight of it and looked to the man with sparkling eyes, for his game was over.

‘’Congratulations, good sir’’ the devil said ‘’you won. Do you care to collect your prize?’’

‘’And what would that be?’’ the man inquired.

‘’Her very heart in its chains, sir.’’

‘’The heart and the chains are worthless now that she is gone, mute figures. You tied her up there, they are yours. I am merely the man that gives the devil the chance to start his game anew’’ in a cold steady voice the man said.

‘’Oh, that’s where sir is mistaken’’ the devil said ‘’I never tie anyone who wishes not to be tied. She could have gotten away anytime for her chains were merely strings and she chose her role.’’

The man said no other words but took the heart and walked away, he knew the devil and he knew the girl. He knew she could have gotten away if she had known how to say the right prayers, if she had known to take the roads less colorful, then she wouldn’t have had so much to pay for even if she would have ended up as cold as him, but she could have avoided her dreadful fate. He toured the carnival for one more time and behind him he heard the devil at his wheel shouting out ‘’Behold, gentlemen’’