Saturday 26 January 2013

My Dead Boy


My dead boy has come another night
He sat in my heart and drank my blood
He laughed at the absence of its light
At my glory drenched in lies and mud.

My dead boy has dried another vein
Another river that washed us up for years,
He said it will never to flow again,
No more shall we run it with our tears.

My dead little boy once smiled and cried
Because he's always more alive than I
He watched my youth as it withered and died,
Enjoyed it too much, I know not why.

My dead boy seems very fond of death,
And death does seem very fond of me,
He choked me out of every breath,
Just so he'd see me fight him free.

My dead boy never once came by day,
The sun burned red his eyes and heart,
I cried and cried, I begged and prayed,
He pleaded that with him I depart.

My darling boy you're dead and dear,
Yet I still belong to a molding world,
It's me you love, your ghosts I fear,
And dying is a luxury I can't afford.

Wordless Poem


What rhyme rises from the mind of the mute
What song from a silent fate that sweeps,
What peace dares dream in this dispute,
All what our peace is, is asleep.

I will not give my pain one more ode
To mock me with, as he watches me dying-
Slowly, sly and creeping fate bestowed
Upon our oracles of fleeting and flying.

A wordless poem with no sound is due
The death of the poetry, death of the poet
The folding of the roads beneath you
The dream reaped long before you sow it.

What can words ordain that silence can't,
If hope lays his neck bare to despair,
What can life obtain that my death can't,
If even for a death wish I seized to care.

Wednesday 23 January 2013

To Roam


To be born in the world of humans is a very challenging test. Nothing is visible, at least, nothing that matters is. The world is just a reflection of other worlds that came across it before. 

I was born in the world of humans without a father, without a mother, I was born on a street in a city of which name holds no more significance than any other name in this world. I do not remember much of the first few years of my life but I do have a very slight recollection of what's before it. I did not have a form but I had a will, and I had a fate.


I remember that the likes of me were waiting in line to be sorted into worlds, we've always wondered how the choices were made then, but every time we doubted things, we remembered Him. He who told us that he is god, and we who believed that he is God and thus all our doubts  were answered with faith,  and all our prayers with fate. I may not have remembered god after I was born but I remembered the faith and the fate. 


Yet to be human is a fickle thing, their memories are volatile, very limited, they can not remember where their souls have been, they can not remember what they have been created for and so as the days went by, so did my memory of god and even faith and fate disappear, as I was learning of a new world, I was fascinated by its many reflections, for the world of humans is a mirror, but one in which you can palpably examine the reflection, taste it, experience it inside you and outside you that you become one with it, that unity is called Love and it unifies the reflection with all your senses. 


I found out about love earlier than most humans do, because I was born on a street in the winter and I did not know anyone, a strange homeless creature like me had to pick me up. She was a woman who made many mistakes and did not care for one more, maybe she thought I was the best mistake she'll ever make, maybe she found in me a last chance to build or break herself, but I’m sure she was experiencing love herself and she wanted to reflect it unto me. Her intention might have been one of many things or all of those things, but her action was one, she found me and so she took me.


And God teaches humans about fate everyday, now that I think about it, he tried to teach me about fate that early in my life but to no fault of my own, I was too consumed in my new nature to notice it, for that woman who had nothing to give or take from the world anymore, did have the one thing a newborn needs, milk.


Her son had died at birth a week before I arrived as if god had made him for the specific reason of uniting me with his grieving mother, and he might as well have. Because of her grieve, because of my loneliness, she fed me, and if that boy had lived, my whole purpose would have changed. His purpose was saving me, his mother's purpose to me, was to grieve her son through me.


But after the grieve, and after her breasts ran dry, she had nothing more to give me and so one day, I woke up a two year old on another street I did not know, without her, without the alley where we crawled and curled, where we felt cold together for two winters with no hope of warmth but her bosom. But she was not my mother, she was a pawn in my advancement. A pawn whose head had been collected. I do not know if she had really died, but it doesn't matter, because I could not see her. I did not see her since and thus it became her death, for death is merely a vacancy and even if she had died I would think that she thought to herself the world was dead instead of she. Death is one truth that unite every inferior world, just like Faith, just like Fate, to each his definitions and to each its reflections and it's manifestations in the world of humanity, yet, none is visible.


And humans depend much on their eyes, and I have learned to explore their world thusly.


They have a way of pursuing Knowledge that I tried to come close to understand, it identified with their validation of the world, most humans inherently believe that the more they validate their world, the more it validates them. That was their pursuit of knowledge, of course the main objective was not to know but to live, because knowledge in its extreme form is a divine attribute, humans know that, because like all soulful creation they hold a breath of god, and so humans chase the chance of approaching their immortality, as if their knowledge of the world, this validation of its reflections, will put out a good word for them with death, postpone it for a while and then maybe, forever. 


I did not succumb to that theory for I also found out one day that death was not an enemy of the soul, it was a savior, for one day I met a scientist, he was a man that knew a lot about the world, he was old and I was young , he had been to many places and he had seen so many things, he could talk for hours on end about books and places and people's faces, and I was just a young boy on the street who cleaned his car and carried his bags upstairs, I enjoyed his stories about distant streets, and about high buildings and cathedrals in Russia and Rome, names and names and more names. It was enjoyable but I did not understand the world any more, it did not understand me anymore than it did before, but I thought to myself that maybe because he was much older, that he knew enough to be successful in his pursuit and after all, he was a man with a clear definitive purpose and I was a boy on the street. His immortality must be in the fulfillment of his purpose, I thought. 


Until one day, I heard that the scientist upstairs had a car accident and was paralyzed, he could not move all his hands and legs or even talk anymore because his neck broke, so he was left alone on his bed and soon while he was alive the world started to forget him, it started dying around him, he remained only in my thoughts, his stories faded with the days and he started dying to me when I stopped getting the money he used to give me every once in awhile, and then when i walked further away from the street and forgot his name, that's when he just fell dead. 


His knowledge did not make him immortal, it did not even sustain his life until fate and death made their agreement with god on when to take the man’s soul back to him.


You might wonder as of what reason I write about my life and my knowledge today if it will not immortalize me with you, and I say that as much as immortality is not a sound purpose to move my hands, love is, I do not mean to influence a soul by my existence but to unite my existence with the world I was chosen for, I do not do that through writing of the events of my life, but through the reflection of myself upon it, and it's reflections on me. For soon enough, contemplating life does not suffice to truly live and then you must venture to find a way to take part of your own life, that's what I found to mean the search for love. And truth be told I am not an enemy of mortal knowledge, in fact, love that comes without knowledge is a naivety that life must not forgive, for how do you unite yourself with creation if you do not at least attempt to understand its ways, its secrets, truth and revelations.


In the world of humans, they start forming a concept of love when very young, because in most cases it is exerted upon them, it affects their senses and transcends to their young homogeneous souls, and when they are older, they set out for their search, and they want to impose love on the world as much as they want it to expose them to the many worlds that come across it. Some find their comfort in experiencing many faces, places, sensations, swamping their senses with input that they can identify with, they travel shallow and wide, trying to absorb as much as they could as quickly as they could just in time to experience something different and new, they know faces but not eyes. And some travel narrow and deep, they search for the unity with one other soul, one other being, one other reflection, manifestation or an idea, a word, a profoundly humanizing love. They might take years and years, their minds search for love in many eyes and many hands, they might pick pockets for the chance of this deeper passion, another secret common of all the worlds.


I was one of those whose passion has prevailed young also, and passion to me came with a wind. Just like all the things that matter most in life, you could not see the wind, but you can feel it, just like faith, the wind was invisible and just like faith it caused me to tremble in its stability, in its consistency that is tainted with the uncertainty of change at any moment in time, just in a moment the wind can fall asleep and the next it distills your coat and your hat and you feel like it will carry you with it to god only knows where, maybe faith first came to our souls in a wind just like love came to me.


I found a face that I want to know, I found a reason to reach out to the world's understanding of me and to try to manipulate it to my favor so that maybe she, with her pale lips, could find out about the possibility binding us silently, that secret hope in my heart waiting to turn into passion. 


And the world finally knew something of me, I had a wish to acquire a name of myself in it, a name that will allow her to validate me, and so it gave me a name with her, the beginning of knowing another human mostly is a name and so the world told her mine, and one time under the throne of a tree, we knelt, and our love was crowned by declarations and sighs and dances, all in the way to stir up the winds of our faith towards one another, and then to stir the fires of our passion to warm us against the winter's celebrations. 


Then I asked my pale-lipped love of why her lips were not as red as the others and she answered that her body was riddled with a flaw, and even though none who is mortal can be perfect, none of the others’ flaws showed so clearly on their faces.


She told me her disease will cost her the rest of her life here, that death will be coming for her all too soon, her eyes were confident and at ease with her fate but love stirs up the most human of traits in one's soul, fear. And fear is a malignant force of destruction for it does submit to the rules of creation but twists them for his own selfish benefits, fear reproduces in the souls of humans until it dominates them, and so I was afraid of fate and I was afraid of death for the first time in my life, not my fate, and not my death but my beloved's, for to lose the one that you love is no ordinary decay, it splits your soul in twain, it leaves you with an empty half that is rarely filled with anything bright, it's a space for your beloved's ghost to dwell, a moorland that gets darker in time, gets infected with the swarming creatures who dwell in this darkness, it becomes a city in ruins and where once was green and gold, a dark metallic grey rises in hurricanes of dusty memories. 


I was always a man who did not subscribe to world's will even though it had its toll on me, I never allowed it to exert much force so easily, I who took pride in my soul refused to let it run too far from me without consent, that way I kept the world's futile tries to break me in order, and so I was not going to let the world invite death into my pale-lipped girl's heart. 


Once I heard the old sages talk about secret knowledge, one which the greatest searchers for truth set out to find, a substance with the name of “Elixir of Life”, which purifies the spirit to the point of immortality. And so I walked with the sages on a journey to form the elixir, I examined their ways and paths and their strange equipment, and they looked down on my fear and tried to save me, they tried to help me for there was no other way to save my soul, but Alas, Even the sages could not find a way to distract death away from her, or themselves or anyone at all. 


Purple, black, crimson and emerald colored potions, I sent them all to her but her lips got no brighter. Until one inglorious student of the alchemists' wisdom explained to me that “All that is above is as below”, and as god has condemned my lover to death, then maybe I should not pursue her life in the greedy knowledge of alchemy, but in a far more deeper place, away from this world and into what lies beneath it. As this world is merely a reflection it can not defend us against a truth as profound as death in all its might. I decided to venture into the worlds that lie beyond that of humans. Death was a creation of god, hence to defy it only made sense to seek immortality in the only place where death was feared as much as I feared it in my own soul, I started with the land of Lucifer.


Most humans think that the devil lives in hell, but I have went to hell and asked for Satan, there the condemned souls told me that he had not been seen there in ages. I wondered, what kind of creature would leave his home for such a long time? I found that man’s assumptions were a myth.
Satan is full of fear and resentment towards hell just as much as humans, but once upon a time, when Satan used to live in heaven, God looked upon his creative will and asked him to build walls around hell as beautiful as he can make them. And so Satan obeyed the Lord and he built a wall and decorated it with the most beautiful jewels and designs he could come up with, the only restriction Satan  had on his task, was God's rule that he can not use anything that he saw in heaven, and so Satan's design was beautiful but not as beautiful as the one designed by God, the beautiful, who created beauty itself. 


And Satan wondered why God had ordered that something as hideous and malicious as hell fire should be decorated with such elusive beauty. Nonetheless, he  was very proud of his work, even though the purpose remained concealed from him. And so when God decided to create the new magnificent yet apparently inferior being called man, Satan asked around about why God had created him and the answer was always that man was created for heaven, that man was the chosen one.


Satan sat alone with his burdened heart and he wondered why God would not choose him for heaven, Satan's love for heaven was great and his knowledge of beauty, he thought, made him more fit to appreciate it. And so when the day came for the first man to come to life, and god ordered all the heavenly creature for a celebration of the new being, Satan came with envy in his heart and wrath in his eyes, the angels had nothing to fear and so they were happy, but Satan was all too familiar with the pain of being rejected. 


And there the moment came and God asked them all to swear allegiance to man, that they would assist him from a distance in his mission, the angels bowed, the devil did not. His vanity triumphed over his faith, he who has created a concept of beauty for his own, he who has worked so hard to please the Lord shall not bow to the inferior creature. God's wrath was unleashed on Satan and as he knew what Satan had feared most of all, he chose to punish him with exactly that. If Satan had believed in God's will then God would have never let his fear take form, but now that he let his fear consume all his faith, his blasphemy should be his own fears taking shape, Satan was  banished from heaven, Satan was demoted and he was to live with the pain of rejection that accompanies that.


Satan was petrified for a moment after God damned him with a life away, and then all his burning hurricanes escalated fueled by his anger and his vanity, for a moment he told himself that heaven was not that beautiful, that he did not lose a home when he lost it, that the beauty he created around hell is just as appealing and that he can easily attract humans to it just as they are attracted to God's heaven and maybe more.


God heard Satan's thoughts and in all his might he told Satan to carry out his plan of seducing humans to hell. I found out that Satan did not love hell at all, nor did he live in it and for exactly those reasons he chose to lead mankind to it, for he did not love mankind either. And there God's will manifested clearly. He ordered Satan go build the fences of hell when he was really building Satan's pride, that pride was a test of his faith and his failing was and remains the test for humanity.


Satan left his home in heaven and decided to form his own world, a world that accentuates all that is opposed to Godliness, not only that, but it also glorifies it. And Satan secretly thought to himself that he might have lost a battle but not the war, and if he gathers enough humans to build hell's army, he might eventually show God that he chose the wrong creature, and then his army will do anything to get out of hell, maybe even fight God and as their king, he shall rule, and he will destroy the land of God for good and his word shall reign over all.


I told myself that I will use his world and all his hate to myself, I shall visit him and tell him what god had fated me too.


The land of Lucifer is decorated with peacocks, feathered and colored on walls of black, and they're all looking towards the left, the ground is unpredictable and it changes shape under my feet as I walked that I almost trembled and fell, and the air was cold that it pierces my skin as if every breeze is made of icicles aimed at me with all the winds' speed. I walked on the fickle ground, grey dust rising and falling at the stumping of my feet, I chose to walk on the up tides as it's always more likely that the tides will lead to the shore and the shore in this land must be none but Lucifer himself.


The deeper I went into this world the less demons I saw and one would think that it would be more infested with their darkness if they are more on the surface but it is true that the demons who dwell on the surface are the weaker ones. Their darkness, as great as it is, does not amount to the darkness of the few deeper, inner circle demons. They all looked at me with scorn and doubt, how I managed to keep my feet in their darkness was a mystery even to me. 


In the land of the fallen there's only one method to find your way and that is to follow the peacocks shining eyes, but for them to shine for you, they require a dedication. To see with the eye of the peacock you have to allow vanity to own you. The first sin of Satan was always his most dreadful and so to take off on the journey to him you have to taste the same poison. 


I allowed my pride that I tried so long to control to present itself in full form, I allowed it to fill my head with thoughts of self-love, my pride became a demon of monstrous vanity that it devoured any and everything that threatened it with anger and demise. Only then the peacocks eyes shone bright for me and I walked head high into the paths lined with scourge, anguish and ghostly shadows, all of them making a way for me like I earned the right to float past them, demons were bowing their heads to me and monsters killed their own roaring to silence when I passed by them. 


Until I reached the sea, and they said that Satan's throne was on the surface of the water only further in, but in order to walk on water, beyond where no peacock could reach the greatest of peacocks, I had to learn a certain science that human refer to as magic. They said magic is the science of exerting your will on existence, it is the art of making yourself a God. But in order to do so, you first have to liberate yourself from the chains of submission to God in heavens, to liberate yourself from fate. You have to liberate yourself from faith as well and allow yourself to experience your soul away from the divine, drive it into the abyss so that it is worthy of the light that will come out the other end.


I paused for a moment, hesitating in my turbulent soul with longing for my girl and the last flickering light of faith waiting for my decision, alchemy could not help me, and only the devil ever defied God's will, and if I turn back now my journey would have been all for nothing, and would God even accept me if I return from the land of the fallen? After I came that close to his enemy? 


My decision was made, God wanted to take my love, Satan knows a way to give her back to me, I must walk on water if I am to get to him and so I must become a God of myself, and that's how I murdered the last light of faith. 


The purpose of becoming a God is all to do with freedom, it is in fact a liberation, but when you liberate yourself from god and take too much pride in your own will, you realize what faith was protecting you from. You realize how, as blind as faith is, it was the way you perceived the world, how it exerted its toll on cynicism and skepticism without which those forces ran wild until they ate the meaning out of everything, and how it also protects you from pain with such gifts called patience, trust, optimism. 


The magic of the devil render such states as mere states of delusion, and it takes on the truth to be in only one thing, the freedom of your will, therefore you had to not just recognize it, but control it perfectly. So the demons took me through tormenting exercises in order to exert my control over my new God. I experienced pain, I felt it skinning me off my divinity down to my most human self, and in time after time, I was slowly becoming the master of myself, it was up to me to make my pain whatever I wished it to be, even turn it to pleasure, I even walked on fire for sport.


Until there I was, a powerful God of my will, I could bend the world to it if I only wished to do so. And so I could walk on the water to get to Him. 


The devil's throne is so high that his head is safe in the ice cold clouds and his feet of fire boil the water underneath it. I approached in my halo of perfect temperature towards rainstorms and volcanoes that exploded around him, but once I stood before him, my magic was ineffective at once, he told me it was because his will is superior to mine, it was after all his land and he brought me to my knees.


I told him of my blight and begged him to slay my beloved's death.


The devil stepped down from his own throne pleased at my desperation, his eyes shone like an angelic peacock, he surrounded me with his feathers and beauty, down on my knees as I stared down, I felt his sweet breath on my back and his soft feathers on my cheeks. Drenched in beauty to a hypnotic state, he told me to look around and see the dwellers of his world with his eyes, all the powerful magicians, the naked-bodied sinners, the self-destructing shells of men, all at great ecstasy, all should gladly give their lives to Him, gratefully they would place their necks on his altar, just for one small price, their freedom.


I looked around for him, but he had already wrapped me in his vision, I could not move a limb nor say a word. My will was not in my hand anymore but in his, and the more I struggled to escape the more I fell deeper into submission, the more he became powerful. He asked me to find what I find in common among his servants and I told him that it was blasphemy, but he answered that they were all once faithful and some still hold some faith in god, and what was in fact common between the devil's slaves was their addictive love for illusions, it's a love that they don't even realize they hold, they do not seek truth but they seek an escape, and so they choose the way of magic just like he did, they only forget that this knowledge is a temptation as well and that He, the Devil, has controlled every temptation like puppets on a string, and so the truth of it was that they abandoned their faith in God for their faith in his illusion, and now he enslaves them, they are as fallen as he is from God's grace. 


And as for death, he said, it is a truth that needs a strong kind of magic to bend  and only Satan himself has achieved it, so he gave me a choice, either submit my soul to the Him and join his army then he will save my beloved's soul and take her to be with me, under his name, but then there will be no place for the pure faithful love of the angels left for us and we'll both relish in the beauty of darkness forever. Or I have to be on my way, only to return to Lucifer's land if I was ready to sacrifice my soul on his altar for my love.


I broke free from his embrace and went on my way, weeping over the ruins of my faith, over my lost hope of defeating my fate, her death. I was in open space, lost between the worlds, so unaware of my still hypnotized soul that I wondered if I existed at all. 


And then it occurred to me that I might have lost my faith, but I have a chance to dig up its dried well for some last drops of hope by which I can go to the land of God and beg him to cure my love.
I was on my knees again with hands in the half-dry mud and sweat dripping into my eyes, I dug deeper and deeper into the will, it was so dry that by the time I found the last drops of hope, I could barely see the sunlight anymore, but there I had them in my hand, and I was ready to take off to my next destination.


The road to the land of God is through the world of humans, I never realized before how much the reflections of the world could lead to rejuvenating your faith. I walked the earth and the different worlds in it with new eyes, the eyes of a man who knew the power of destruction in himself, but a man who also knew the power of creation.


I held an axe in my hand and felt what Abraham must have once felt when he smashed the idols, the demonic reflections in his village, I understood what it means for degeneration to be regenerative of faith, I had to pluck the leftover feathers from my hair and burn them down. So I went back to the street, where the lost children still played and slept and for a second I brushed the dust off their hands and faces and showed them love, it was a side of my humanity that I had truly missed. And with every contemplation, with every sensation and act of purpose, and  with every communion with nature I felt the stones of my idols tumbling down and shattering, and God's divine breath was waking up inside me. The demons of the devil visited me still, and reminded me of the glorious games of the devil, the beauty of illusions and the surrender of my will to his majesty. But the demons of the surface were too weak for me, I am the man that knelt before the devil himself, who saw his slaves with his eyes, who knew that it takes all his might to stand in the face of death, one of God's creations, I knew he was weak in front of God. And so I proceeded on my path fueled with love for my girl with the pale lips, until blight landed on me.


My failed attempts had kept me too long from her, and her death was due, she smiled at me one last time as her grace ascended with him. There I was a traveler on the road to the kingdom of God for her, and there I was again at the short hand of fate no matter how far I tried to reach.


I did not have to stray for long to understand that God was trying to teach me again what I forgot about patience. I have always been quick to retire but also quick to return.


The death of her was as lightning to my soul, it burned me up but with a light, a fire that consumed my soul and left me half hollowed and with great deal of pain in what is left of me, but it also left me with a revelation, I might have sent all my brigades to defeat death but it was not the purpose of my journey or the purpose of my existence. 


To lose a love is to break up a union, and my union was very much present even though she is not. My war was not on death, it was a war on fear, I feared the death of love with her decay, I feared the hollow night of destruction, I feared worthlessness just like a human, I looked for validation in pride, and I traded late for fate.


The memory of humans is a disaster in the handling indeed, it betrays what you know, it remembers what you dread and forgets what you dream.


I have forgotten my faith for a heart of gold, I have shattered it on many altars and I found it in submission pure and transcendent above the world of humanity, and so I shall never settle so I will never forget again, I shall love but never again will I try to own, I was never owned by anything that I did not choose, and that is the freedom of my submissive will. 


I will remain, the faithful who fights his way to martyrdom on the road to God, who walked many paths searching for the truths beyond the reflections and never took comfort in his humanity... I will live and die, above all, a pilgrim.

Most Important 10 Rules of Depression Time


Rule No. 1
Put loads of black eye make up first thing in the morning.. Because the whole world doesn't need to see all about yesterday's massacre that went down in your head all over your face

Rule No.2
Leave your lips pale like a dead person.. Because, Who freaking cares!

Rule No.3
Trembling sad voice is the Enemy... A cheerful voice is the key to good pretending, talk like you've just been slapped by a rainbow

Rule No.4
When you feel the strong urge to cry... Yawn!

Rule No.5
In case of developing strong inclinations towards Homicide/Suicide... Smile and Nod instead.

Rule No.6
Let your cynicism be the best food for your Anhedonia

Rule No.7
Symphonic Metal is NOT your friend.

Rule No.8
When you don't like what someone is saying to you.. Do not get angry or frustrated, just ignore them... anger is a feeling too, you know... And your main goal in life now is to simply...Die!

Rule No.9
People will choose the worst times to say the worst things... When that happens make sure you're a well trained zombie in feeling nothing and eating brains.

Rule No.10
Your food during this difficult time is not limited to human brains (see Rule No.9) In fact, your diet must contain any/all dietary components you can obtain... Anything fried, ice cream and of course Chocolate are viable choices.. Binge eating is a great drug option for those who like to self destruct very deeply and slowly, never underestimate the power of a family-size bag of Doritos.

Thursday 17 January 2013

World's Decay



And what is it for a girl to fall in love?
Does she hear the angels sing?
Does she see them as she does a dove?
And do they take her on their wing?
What does love do to a girl?
Take her by force to be a woman?
In the way she walks and dance and swirl,
Until her heart lies in hands of man,
A true man, a world of his own,
A world to destroy hers at heel,
And if she'd ever be alone,
Can he make her his own for real?
And love for a woman is stars at rise,
And love for a woman is a sacred place,
And love for her never reach demise,
For her love shows all on her face,
And there he knows and he is true,
And then she knows not why he's here,
And if he ever comes in view,
Her peace is thrown in bits to fear,
And darkness swells like spring in bloom,
So that her fears become her home,
He's all the devils who chant in gloom,
He's all the angels she prayed to come,
And if she betrays her soul for shame,
She'd still love how he touched her soul,
She loves his ice, he loves her pain,
and none she spares for him at all,
So what is love for a girl like me?
Oh what is love for a man like him?
If nothing can set our world free,
If angels sing a dirge that dim,
And where will his love ever take me?
And what will it ever take from him?
And what if it will forever break me
Just for a chance to rescue him?
A love is a young lady's price, yes,
A love for a man, is debt to pay,
For making a woman out of a young miss,
What's love for her but a world's decay?

Wednesday 16 January 2013

Sonnet IV: The Sun That Withered Midsummer



I died and took away with me a light,
Too soon they said, that I had gone astray,
And I've given birth to an early night,
That held me blind from every sickened day,
I died and left the glories of my pain,
Too brave, they said, I've basked bright in them all,
My truth was that I'm tired of my own reign,
The plan was always mine to choose my fall,
Like morning dew that dried up all too soon,
Like stars that vanish as soon as they rise,
I'm also grieved like they are grieved at noon
By silent wolves that hunt where my heart lies
Like hungry words in heart of a mummer,
For I'm the sun that withered midsummer.

Thursday 10 January 2013

The Superior Realm (Part II)



She followed the Old woman’s index to where it landed.

All the way down to a black hole, there he sat on its edge, dangling his legs down into its abyss and flapping his arms about hysterically as he formed balls of gases and dust and shot them down like cannons, seeing them dissipate and then disappear in front of his eyes, he laughed frantically and clapped his hands and threw his head back in ecstasy and laughter, then held his hands to his heart as if trying to pace his beats again.
His pants were purple, green and golden,  they were wide like a clown’s and tight around his skinny waist by a yellow belt,his brown boots went high up his shin and ended right under his knees, his chemise was white and half open with ruffles randomly wavering on his chest and his face was edgy, his chin was pointed and his nose was peaked,his skin was pale and it had numerous brown scars and freckles, he had black lace on his chin, his hair was also as black and came out in every direction, swaying like headless snakes and his eyes sparkled with the colors of the dust orbiting the black hole and a certain dangerous ecstatic power.

His recklessness filled her with horror, ‘’He’s in charge of the hearts of humans!!’’ she almost yelled out ‘’Who is he?”

“Oh, you don’t know him’’ The woman’s eye widened with surprise “He is fear, my darling”

“And he lives in a collapsed star?”

The woman nodded and stirred the tea in her fragile porcelain-like cup.

The younger woman was overwhelmed by fear herself and so she knew that he must have noticed her looking at him or overheard their conversation. No wonder the human heart did not stand a chance of communicating when they’re in the hands of this drunken maniac, all of a sudden she did not feel sad anymore but angry. And so she set her mind to go and tempt fear out of his possessions.

She looked at her reflection on a panorama of heated gas, she adjusted her dress and undid the first two buttons from the top, so that she can alter fear’s mind and grab his attention and she dimmed her brightness to an almost human glow. She glided over the colorful gases and dust of the nebular belt and shot herself over stars until she was approaching fear who was still playing with his cannon balls, she felt a gravitating power as she neared and with every step she found that her fear intensified and the control she had over her feet got weaker. Until she had no control at all and she was sliding towards the abyss.

A hand wrapped around her ankle as she was sliding in and flipped her around. All of a sudden she found herself sitting beside him. Up close, his face was more childish, his lips were wide open in a smile, his mouth was really big, no wonder she thought, for she knew that fear needs convincing thoughts to work through, so he talked a lot to the soul. His eyes were wide and he was staring at her, they were exactly like the universe, they reflected it perfectly, with the black endless depth in the background the the bursting sparkles and mingled hues constantly changing. She was breathing quickly, panting even, it was the first time that her soul had panted in the superior realm, and she was fighting to catch her breath but it was so difficult.

“You were going to fall into my dying star and then I would have had to lick you off the walls”
His eyes widened even more and his mouth gaped at its width as he laughed that she could almost see inside him. She understood nothing of what he said, but thanked him for saving her as she brought herself to sit closer to him. He jumped off in an acrobatic move and did cartwheels around her then jumped to the other side.
‘’You were my friend” he shouted over to her “I’ve lived with you but then you left. I know your name and I slept beside you on the floor, and you always gave me delicious food.... Such delicious food from your mind, but you left” he calmed down at that last phrase as he seemed to be overtaken with nostalgic fondness.

She was taken aback by his sudden outburst, it confused her and then she felt out of control, she had to force herself to take back the situation in her own hand, because when he fell silent it seemed like the whole universe fell silent that even her thoughts had an echo and they exposed her confusion to him. His words were strange, but she understood them almost immediately, fear had been in possession of her heart and he accompanied her for the better share of her earthly existence, there was no doubt about it. Then she saw the yearning on his face, fear yearned for her and she thought she might be able to use that to regain the power.

“And here I am, old friend” She smiled as warmly as she could bring herself to “I’ve come back to feed you again”

He jumped up and down in joy as he hopped his way to her again.
‘’Despair?” he asked popping on her right,
“Doubt?” he popped to her left.

“I will feed you if you show me where you keep the hearts of my fellow humans” She said firmly as she stood up stomping her feet and making a cloud of dust rise.

He circled the edge of the abyss slowly as he held his hands behind his back and made a series of ums and hums. His eyes narrowed and sharpened as he stood and examined the girl.
‘’Come with me’’ he snatched her hand and jumped right into the abyss followed by all the ill-fated particles orbiting the black hole, and her.

The inside of the black hole is exactly like a scared person, it is blind and yet it sees every thing being destroyed with great clarity. As they went down she first saw small creatures in the dust that dissipated, those creatures did not seem like they mattered much but they made her aware of the nature of this place she was in, it made her wonder if deeper inward, the same thing might happen to her soul and so this question has taken this little tunnel of destruction to be inside her as well.

Then the creatures started getting bigger, even bigger than her, and they started catching flames and some started freezing altogether. She saw a fierce creature that reminded her of a kraken whose tentacles started falling off like icicles and smashing midair, as the poor creature itself let out a wailing sound and smashed to bits himself and his stone-hard particles rushed against her, almost touching her face as they accelerated down, and by then she was in a state of complete petrification, she was not the master of anything that was happening inside her or around her, it all belonged to fear, and she thought that if fear was so strong in this superior realm that humans don’t stand a chance against it in their inferior realm.

And then they landed, the ground was as black as the walls surrounding it all the way up, they were so dark that she could not see them at all, and if her feet wouldn’t have touched them she wouldn’t have believed they existed at all. He let go of her hands and she heard him screaming and laughing as she assumed by the movement of the sound was some kind of victory lap around the place, then he lit a lantern, a sun that burnt on a stick that he placed upon a fountain that She could now see in the middle of the room. And in his cart wheels he came from behind her and pulled her hair down so that she faced upward.

Looking above her at the high walls fading into the darkness she saw that the walls were not blunt and black at all, they were in fact stacked with hearts that were arranged in circles around the place all the way up into the black nothingness, countless, dissimilar and foggy. Each one of the hearts had a different mist swarming inside it, with different colors and different shapes emerging and disappearing, forming pictures of people and places, handshakes and kisses, dreams and reality, fantasies and actualities and she recognized the mists as being the compressed souls the humans are keeping in their depths. She did not realize the awe on her face and her dropped jaw until he pulled her hair downward twice more so that the pain intensified and then he let her go.

He started jumping around on the walls, one foot on a heart then another foot on the other, in a way that it seemed that he was selecting the hearts that he stumped on and whenever his feet touched a heart, the mist inside it would form a black hole, just like the one they were inside now, only without a sun on a fountain at the core of it.

And she tried to jump up and catch his ankles ‘’Wait, what are you doing? Stop!” she yelled as she chased him around the room, but he was quicker, he had the energy and the chuckles of a child who was let out in a meadow after years of being grounded. Her attempts were futile, there has to be another way to stop him so that humans could save themselves.

‘’I have your food” She found no other choice but to scream ‘’Come down here and take it”

Fear approached her as she felt the same sensation of no control approaching but she kept fighting for her power, until he stood right in front of her, eyes wide as ever staring at her and lips curled in a smile that only accentuates his edgy chin. Then he spread his hands to her and pointed with the other for her to put the food there.

She did not know what to do, as she had nothing to give him and she had no plan, the fear in her soul was only a reflection of his presence and if he takes her hands to where her heart is supposed to be, he will easily find out she has no human heart and he will reveal her deceitful soul’s glow.

And just as she had expected, he tapped his empty palm twice before his gaze started to get wider and his nostrils started to flare. she retreated back as he lifted her by the collar with one hand and placed his hands on her chest with the other and then he fell silent and silence reigned over the place again except for the beating of the hearts. She was breathing but there was no heartbeat and she was trembling but there was no fear but him.

‘’You deceived me” he left her to fall to her knees as her soul eased out of its disguise and slowly regained its glow, “You deceived...Me!” he turned away and ran to his fountain and started weeping.

She stood there mesmerized, perplexed with no idea of how to proceed. She walked to the walls and started trying to pull the hearts off the walls, but they were stuck to it as if they were a part of it.

He turned back to her, seeing what she was doing, his face got more serious and his face got even more peaked, he attacked her from behind and started pulling strands of her hair off, he messed with the red and golden ruffles and scratched her neck in an attempt to pull her away.
“Stop it, Fear, Stop it, please” she begged.

“Fear?!!!!” he stopped mid air.

“Isn’t that who you are?” she finally pushed him off as she tried to regain her poise.

“How dare you call me that?” he growled and hopped with his back still hunched to the fountain where he knelt down and washed his face with its starry water, as it rushed over his face and through space, it sprayed on her face and one drop was enough for her to understand. This creature is not Fear at all, he’s Faith.

“Had you simply asked I would have told you” he turned around to face her, his face was changed, but not really. His features were milder, fuller, his eyes eased into their pockets and were not wild with madness anymore, his nose was less pointed and so was his chin, his mouth was tighter and even the way he moved eased.
“Hope is also what’s holding their hearts,” he said “The darkness I live in is the one they chose for me.
“Faith has always been a great friend of the dark, for if it was made easy, everyone would believe and then the meaning of the good fight would seize to exist. If you see where you’re stepping next then what do you need faith for? I was in the light someday, and when I am, they call me fact. But when I’m not. they forget me, that’s why I was kept in here.

“Why in a dying star? Why this kind of darkness?” she rushed to his side and wrapped her arms around him, the poor creature suddenly seemed weak and sad, as sad as she was when she had been earthly.

“Humans are known for their forgetfulness” he said “They saw my manifestations, they saw hope and they saw fear, but they seemed to neglect me until I started withering away, and when I did, I had to find somewhere to reside, and as I collapsed, so did the stars, as a way to console me, because I was the reason they were created in the first place, I was the reason everything was created, I am the energy that runs the dynamic of the universe, but I’m a parasite on their souls, without them I can not exist, if they do not feed me, I perish.

“And so I had to adapt, I had to feed on whatever else they offered, for if they won’t have faith then they will surely have one of my sons, hope or fear... And I'm sure you can clearly see which one they have favored, I am only giving them what they want as a last attempt to survive.”

She walked away with the sadness in her heart gone, but with her soul conflicted with a hurricane, much like the one she avoided in her short life.


Where truly resides the superior realm?
In the realm where the choice survives no matter the change, but awaits for someone who would see?
Or a realm where nothing ever changes, and the light of your soul is preset, but where Faith himself lives in a collapsing star begging to be resurrected?


And who’s to say the two really differ anyway, for if the soul falls dead, 

Do the realms hold any meaning at all?

The Superior Realm (Part I)



"Their hearts are not in their hands, you know" the Older woman said taking another sip of her tea and placing it back slowly "It hasn't been, for as long as even I remember"

The younger woman sat quietly, her eyes extending all the way down the Nebula and her head running wild with a thousand questions, her expression was deep and she could not conceal a certain sadness that beckoned on her soul, and after all, a soul is what is left for them in this slightly superior realm.

It was a celebration, that's why their tea party was taking place over Orion Nebula just about 1300 light years away from planet Earth, from which they can look down and see the speck of dust packed with souls compressed in mud-built machines where they all once lived. It was a happy occasion indeed, the ones where they were allowed to roam closer to the inferior realms, because only the ones who still got someone to look after can freely visit them. But the ones who has already been liberated from their beloved's grief get to move on to their next life, to the next sky and the next ground, the next laws of nature and their next self, but with the same soul.
And in every realm, the soul is judged then emphasized into being, and it can either become highlighted with a brighter color or dimmed to a darker shade, until the soul moves on again.

And today another woman was leaving the inferior realm and moving to theirs because her youngest son, who was now an old man with grandchildren himself, had died of a heart attack. And so she gave him a final hug and said her hello and goodbye in purgatory as he dwelt over the inferior realm and she moved into the more superior one. The girls have gathered to welcome her with open arms, it's only customary that a new soul gets to be celebrated at its arrival, even when they were earthly, new born souls got to be initiated into their world, and so she knew the sad lingering state on her mind was inappropriate, but so was feigning joyfulness.

When the new soul arrived, all the ladies at the tea party dressed in star-colored gowns jumped to their feet and ran to her side, and so did she but at a slower more relaxed pace. The ladies started to unwrap her old white dress draped around her for all purgatory. One was untying the knots at her waist and the other was combing her hair with an asteroid-made comb so that her hair would catch the universal dust and flow down twice as smoothly as it did before, and a third one knelt at her feet to put a pair of beautiful purple glistening shoes on them.

And she, looked at the new soul and smiled softly, it was amazing how her glow was getting stronger with every passing moment, her initiation into this realm is easy, smooth, like she has been waiting for it for such a long time, she has been getting ready for it. This one was truly a mother and she glowed in a beautiful emerald green. She picked up her red and golden ruffled dress and threw her arms around the new soul in a hug, trying to feel her calm soothing warmth. 

She remembered her own arrival to the realm, how the women rushed to her side too, she was the youngest, she arrived in her oldest dress, the one she bought for herself in high school and never found the heart to throw it away. They took off her dress and she was still holding on to it, but then a goddess came to her side and placed a kiss softly on her lips, a kiss that immediately bid her limbs flaccid and the dress fell back down to earth, right into the pacific ocean.

And then her soul was completely bare and they asked her to choose from all the colors of the universe what color she wants her dress to be. She looked around and she found that black dominated but then colors came bursting right into her vision and she found red and golden equally captivating, she couldn't make out her heart so she chose both, and two cheerful girls with transparent sparkling fabric of the colors chased each other around her feet, wrapping her in her new colors and jumping up and down to create the ruffles on her dress, she could not help but to giggle and swirl to explore the magic of her new dress, her hair followed the spinning movement and waves rippled in the cloud of dust nearby accordingly with her movements.

Nonetheless, with her, the glow came even slower, for she did not have enough time to prepare in purgatory, her life had been short, and her purgatory had been shorter, so she did not have enough time to prepare. She had no one to wait for when she died, on earth they called her an orphan, because her parents were waiting for her up here instead of down there. Yet she had friends with whom she lived in a place they all called a home but as they grew up it stopped feeling like one and then they all had to leave one by one, because their stay there was bound by time and when their time ran out, it was time for them to go through life on their own.

Humans value strength and power over most else, and the hardest thing for the human is for him to walk the world alone and so it became one of the ways they measured a human's strength. The souls of humans are compressed in the heart which is strategically placed in masterfully concocted machines that operate on certain laws, and those machines are so carefully and beautifully built that sometimes the soul itself got fascinated with it, and gave it lots of attention and catered to its every need, even if those needs were not healthy for the soul itself, until the body and the soul became two entities, each with a will of its own and the humans were constantly trying to find a balance in pleasing both of their extremes.

She was like them, she had to strive to find this balance, and like all of them, she died trying. She remembers that on earth, she had a fascination with white sheets of paper that she always defaced with the limited set of colors that realm offered and she had a fascination with lines, all kinds of them, and they called her a Painter.

But then one day, when she was leaving the home where she grew up, someone said something about painting not being enough for her to survive. She sat down with her soul and her body that night, and asked them what they want. Her soul told her that she wants to keep looking at lines and lights and colors, that she wanted to live, but her body told her that he wanted to survive. And from that day on, she did not touch another white canvas.

Sometimes, her soul beckoned from her eye and begged her to look, begged her to feel passionately what she needs to feel, what she needs to experience in order to be alive, she did not succumb to temptation, she kept true to the drifting force of her path and she worked very hard, because there was no one else to support her in that life, she had to be strong and she wanted to acquire the power so that maybe someday she will feel safe and thus be free to finally experience her soul. But she died instead.

When her weary soul passed on to purgatory, she found her mother and father waiting for her and they hugged her once so that she understood the true meaning of a home, that safety that she had never experienced with herself. Her mother had a sadness in her eyes that she had recognized as the one that accompanied her through her short life and her father had a smile that also reminded her of her own, and when she opened her mouth to greet them, she found that her voice is throaty from all the screaming her soul had done before, all those days her soul had begged her to relish in the fire hurricane of living.

The meeting was brief and she moved on, unburdened by a lover’s grief or a child’s wailing. And because her soul was weakened in the path of her inferior existence, it took her time to fully obtain the glow it was meant for, the glow of someone who saw the heart of things, and it was heightened by the first time she took a walk around the heart of Orion Nebula, because she could not stop the rush of colors that went through her, because she could not refrain from happily wrapping herself up in them and creating her own unique emotion.

She lives in the more superior realm now, she loves the more superior realm because it is not weighed down by survival and it is not bound by time in the same manner that earthly existence was. But she had regret over her lost life, she was grieving the life that no one had missed, no one but her. And she had a profound concern for her fellow souls down there. Being closer to them now made her see that they were still trapped in the same spiral, going through the same struggle, and favoring one over the other in the search of their balance. And that’s why she was sad.

After all the other women took the new emerald mother away to show her around the universe, she stayed back with that woman. So when that Older woman with a pink and white school dress placed one leg over the other and calmly aligned a stray curl in her short blond hair with a cold expressionless face, and she said that humans did not own their hearts just that simply, over a cup of tea, She contemplated the possibilities, if they did not own their hearts then how can it be a fair fight for their souls contained in their hearts?

‘’Then in whose hands are they?” She turned her eyes to the old woman, trying to hide the excitement that the possibilities have aroused in her.

The older woman pointed to the opposite side all the way down the horizon,

“They were assigned to him...”


To Be Continued...

Monday 7 January 2013

His Hospital Bed




He looked up from his bed,
I still could not believe he doesn't see me,
Staring down into his snowflake head,
Half a century and he still could not see,
He's been blind  for a while even to mornings,
And the world became a trail of strange voices,
With fake reassurance and unfair warnings,
Such distant dull drowned up noises,
He's a manifestation of what has been,
Oh, if he only knew how I loved him,
How I love him still with a force unseen,
It's too late, I'm afraid, the chances are slim
Fifty years I have tried to save his tears,
As he drained his soul of all the light,
Thinking the darkness might quench his fear
How tormenting it is to be your lover's blight.

One night I followed him on the street,
As he walked into our town's graveyard,
On his right there was love, on his left defeat,
His tears fell on my grave heavy and hard,
And I closed my eyes and tasted them,
Bitter- love, what happened to your soul?
If I could just reach out one more time to him,
I could tell him there's no reason to grieve at all,
And now he's gone into oblivion on his bed,
Not only paralyzed but frozen,
And dust smells of everything he's said,
No one comprehends the path he's chosen,
No one had seen the memories he paints,
Or knows the names he so passionately mentions,
All his youth joyous and proud in time faints,
His dry veins are sinews death pulls into tension,
I hear his soul all the way up here,
I see the pride leaving his inner eye,
I can feel his breath drawing near,
Now I hear our daughter's worried cry,
And all the places of his life collapse
Into his mind's universe closing black-hole,
All into a silent prayer echoing, that perhaps
The merciful God can save his sinful soul,
The white coats float in and out of his space,
If he was able to move he would push them away,
He doesn't need saving, can't you see it on his face,
He just needs one last transparent moment to pray.

His heart in my chest quickens one last time,
And I close my eyes and laugh aloud,
It fills the heavens and the angels chime,
Prepare for his soul coming on the next cloud,
The doctors left, my daughter's cry got louder
Now it's her turn to stand strong on her own,
It's time for her to make us even prouder,
It's time to set up another tombstone,
Then I carried him in my arms, cold and dead,
I carried him through the roads of heaven,
My fellow lovers cheered like we're newly wed,
Through to the lake where immortality is given,
And there stood our chapel of pearl white,
And there I knelt at the banks of the lake,
Drenched his soul in and it shone out bright
Love, I've waited long for this moment's sake.

Your eyes open and you rise brighter than a sun,
Like you never knew darkness, you were never blind,
Your arms move wildly, your feet, they run,
Like all your frozen years were only in your mind,
And you pull me in an embrace unbound by time,
Your wet hair dripping silver on my shoulder,
And all our memories, and all my rhymes
Are resurrected, a promise we'll never get older,
And for one last time at the beginning of eternity,
We see death- the death of all bitterness and hate,
Drowning at the feet of our heightened humanity,
Killed by the kiss of my soul mate.